How clear and honest can we get with ourselves, about ourselves? There are many situations in life when we are faced with this question; and relationships of all kinds and stages seem to really highlight it. “Relationships are a fast track to a personal development” is been said not without a reason… from most dramatic stage of a relationship, separation, to an intentional ‘check in’ aimed at a deepening connection in a good dynamic relationship. Not just do we need to see ourselves as ourselves, in all honesty – but ourselves in the relationship and more precisely, our real contribution, and the way we give.
So many times I heard from people who were unhappy in relationships but afraid to suggest a separation (or a trial separation or at least a pause to figure things out which might actually benefit the relationship): “I’m afraid of breaking his/her heart” or “How will they cope without me?”.
While looking noble and caring on the surface, there is a deeper assumption hiding underneath: we are sure (unconsciously) that we are The Absolute Best Fit for this person. But…are we really??
Asking this question, it’s important to avoid getting to the other extreme of: “OMG! Thinking about it, I’m the worst option for her/him”. ‘The best’ and ‘the worst’ are both extreme assumptions only reflecting our core and/or current self image and a general self esteem – and it’s important to avoid both.
But as soon as our ‘best fit’ assumption is questioned – softly and with some detachment – everything changes. Not only we start seeing our real contribution to the relationship clearer; but coming back full circle we arrive at ourselves: the way we see ourselves; the way we are; and ultimately the way we can be.
This is a very simple question (and a great Journalling prompt!) and it fully applies to the situation when the relationships is ongoing and in a good state. A periodic adjustment seems to be an integral part of any good dynamic relationship and this is where the ‘can be’ really comes into focus: it’s a health check of ourselves in our interactions with people if you wish, an MOT of a sort.
In a stage close to a separation the question has more of a retrospective undertone and can lead us to a (well surprising) thought ‘hmmmm….actually, I may not be…’ when we understand that the separation can actually be the best option for both parties.
In an overall healthy relationship, this question can indeed keep both parties on track and help to cultivate a deeper connection.
Here is the video transcript:
“When you are the person who is considering a separation – offering a separation or a ‘trial separation’; or if you’re a person who is considering serious one and last final conversation with your loved one before you decide that this (relationship) is not for you; if you are the person who is taking responsibility basically for the future of this relationship – there is one thing you need to really seriously ask yourself. And when I say seriously I mean you need to do three layers of ‘peeling the layers’ in Stream of Consciousness writing (Journalling); or you need to just do a lot of Stream of Consciousness writing in one go, till you come to this ‘Aha!’ moment – till you come to a sudden realisation: when you write write write and then suddenly you come to something which is like ‘Yes! This is it and this is the answer’ because it always happens when you write. You can go into meditation – whatever suits you, it doesn’t have to be writing. The question is: ‘Am I really the best fit for this person? Why do I feel – that is a better question – why do I feel that I am the best possible ‘option’ as a partner?’ Because very often when we are taking this responsibility, we are afraid of hurting the other person, we’re afraid of well, something, we’re afraid – we think ‘Oh, they will well, ‘wither and die’ without us, whatever. But …will they??? Why do we feel we are the best option for this person? And when you seriously try to answer this question, then magic happens because suddenly you start seeing it under a totally different light. So I suggest some kind of deep practice: stream of conscious writing ‘peeling the layers’; stream of consciousness writing until you you hit the ‘Aha!’ moment; deep meditation; Colourpuncture session or whatever works for you – long walk in nature…. anything which will put you in this meditative state, an altered state of consciousness and ask yourself this question: ‘Why do I feel I’m the best option?’ Because very often we underestimate ourselves; very often we overestimate ourselves. Very rarely do we have an adequate self-esteem. And not self-esteem of ourselves as a person but our self-esteem in terms of our contribution to the relationship.”
In theory, there isn’t an exact answer to this ‘best fit’ question: we only ever have glimpses of an overall picture; the full picture of a relationship, its stage and its future is not fully dependant solely on us. However, we absolutely can attempt to both objectively see our partner/friend with their needs – as we understand them, based on compassionate presence and coming from the place of unconditional love. And so we can take an absolute responsibility for our part, our contribution and our own potential development within the relationship.
And, nature/stage/future of a particular relationships aside, this is a more general question on our habitual giving/receiving behaviour which is always a good check in with ourself.
It doesn’t really matter which stage of your important relationship you are at the right at the moment, reading this; it’s nonetheless an invitation to ‘check in’. Get into a comfortable relaxed space, close your eyes and visualise a person you want to improve/resolve your relationship with, with respect to their Individuality; with both detachment and warmth: what are their needs? And where do you stand in meeting them? Try to avoid plain thinking process: tune into a bigger picture instead.
Journaling prompts are the easiest way of Journaling and this is at the core of our Cafe Self structure; our ‘Letters to the Soul’ Journalling Challenge is a deep immersive experience; if you’d like to start/improve on your journalling in the meantime, contact me, I’ll email you a complimentary copy of introductory Questions to the Soul.
Any questions – please get in touch using the form below, I’d be happy to support you.
Happy Self discovery 🙂
- Journaling: peeling the layers (part of our ‘Letters to the Soul’ Journalling Challenge)
- Journaling: hitting the ‘Aha!’ moment
- Meditation of your choice
- Long walk in nature
- Soul Spirit Colourpuncture
Soul Spirit Colourpuncture to support the process:
- ‘Abundance and Boundaries’ treatment (spectral colours and Turquoise)
- ‘I, You, We’ treatment (grey colours)
- ‘Territory’ (physical boundaries) (Soul Spirit colours)
- Active Fire/Neutral Air or Neutral Earth/Neutral Water Rhythms
- Relationships: Energy Signature
- “2 Min a Day for Happiness”
- Intentional Relationships: Invitation
- Relationships and Quests