Many (if not most…) relationships questions are asked when partners already show some signs of dissatisfaction (at best) or their relationship heads for real troubles (at most). The question ‘How to invite my partner to create a conscious relationship?’ is no exception. It arises when we feel that our relationship runs on some hidden and not-so-constructive autopilot which none of us is even remotely familiar with. We tend to give up too easily. We tend to nurture unrealistic expectations. Or, we simply don’t know what to do.
With classic Disney’s love stories imprinted in most of us since childhood – and they are still abundant though the trend is clearly changing if you follow Disney’s movies – we are yet to (firmly, practically and skilfully) adopt a conscious relating or intentional relationship model.
Lack of loving, regular, intentional and constructive communication is by far the most common and the most destructive problem in our relationships. There is simply not enough culture of it. And, most couples tend to be naturally divided by their background, values, childhood conditioning, ’baggage’ and so on.
Creating a habit of a real and constructive dialogue takes time to master as we all differ in our preferences and yet, a very simple first step is just to give it space…we habitually hurry in everything we do. With relationships in general and sensitive dialogues in particular each partner has their unique set of needs in terms of timing and space needed: ‘to arrive’ fully into the conversation; to access what they are actually feeling – and to express authentically and constructively what their thoughts, worries and suggestions are.
And seriously…(Disney) magic aside – good, fulfilling relationships don’t just ‘happen’ with the ‘right person’. In a game between ‘the perfect match’ and intentional relating, the latter always wins, starting from the day after the first date…and the next day, and the next…for as long as we are together 🙂
Here is the video transcript:
“How can we invite the other person to a conscious dialogue, to a conscious relationship? First, we can just talk to them – in in a way that you would talk to any person you would like to have a good relationship with – no matter the outcome. You talk to them and you totally detach yourself from the outcome: what will be, will be! But you invite them to some kind of a conscious dialogue and even if this dialogue will only come to observing the decline of the whole thing, it is still going to be a conscious dialogue. But very often when people do start this kind of conscious dialogues they will come to something; they will have ‘a second breath’; they will have the second stage, the next stage of their relationship – very often. Because far too often people part their ways when there is just a huge misunderstanding; there is not enough communication; there are probably different backgrounds; there are probably different ‘baggage’ from both sides. And people just believe that a relationship should work on its own volition, that you shouldn’t do you shouldn’t make any efforts to actually make it work; that it’s by magic as if by magic it can carry on indefinitely… So what you can explain you can explain that basically what you have in mind, you have in mind your own needs and interests; you have in mind their needs and interests; and you’re inviting them to go first and talk first about any area of life, about any area of the relationship; about anything that actually is possible. Sometimes just asking in a very soft tone of voice (because this is important!) this is really important as sometimes the way we ask is more important than what we say. Because when a relationship gets to the stage when we bicker all the time; then the person is expecting that; and things are not going well from the very beginning – but when you really make an effort to soften your tone of voice – especially if it was not so in the past… if in the past you didn’t watch your tone of voice; if in the past you didn’t consider their needs; if in the past things went into arguments in particular – if you on your part make a conscious to keep to this a calm and soft and loving tone of voice no matter where conversation will lead you, then you are on a very good footing from the very beginning. And you can invite the other person to a dialogue. You can simply ask how they are feeling, how they feel about their day, how they feel about their work, how they feeling about the whole thing – and then you ease off the conversation into the topic of relationship. You can invite them into a dialogue which has in mind an obviously win-win situation – it’s win-win-win situation. Because it’s a win for you; it’s a win for them; it’s a win for the relationship. You can express very explicitly that you love and you care and you really would like to make it work. And yes if you made lots of mistakes in the past – who didn’t? who didn’t?? it’s just when you’re saying that you ‘made a lot of mistakes in the past’ that only means that you became conscious enough now to acknowledge that you made those mistakes. The other party made maybe the same amount of mistakes or more but they never acknowledged it because they’re not on this stage or maybe their ego is in their way or maybe they don’t feel, well, they feel vulnerable – they don’t feel they can open up. Again this is something important to consider that one of you – and especially the one who is on a personal development journey – can be in a stronger energy position to open up and actually start the dialogue and be vulnerable and lead by example opening up to a point where the other person feels that you are being vulnerable and you’re not afraid… And this way you can invite them, you can give them ‘space’. Very often what I would suggest in this situation is just you need to give them space. You can ask a question and you can just hold the space and don’t rush them with their answers. Don’t rush the whole conversation; give space; play with it – try to tune into this energy because basically when you do that this is your relationship talking, you’re directly contributing into the thing between you and the other person and you hold it in your hands… You just hold it with love and care and with absolutely no expectations. This is the key – no expectations – because you have no idea, we have no idea at any stage of our life in what shape and form our relationship is (our primary, our significant relationship with our partner). We have no idea. We might feel that this is going well – but the other person might be just very patient and they’re not talking to you properly. You might feel that this is absolutely terrible because you argue all the time – but in fact, there is just a lot of ‘fire’ between you two and this is the way your relationship wants to be and you need to go with this energy and this doesn’t mean anything. So it is quite impossible to actually adequately assess ‘health’ of the relationship even so it’s very tempting to do so. But by keeping those conversation open and presenting them to the other party in a way, shape and form – and frequency; and level of depth they can take – is the key. Because only this way you can ‘keep your fingers on the pulse’ of the whole thing and see how healthy it is.”
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