Do you speak the same ‘language’ as important people in your life? ‘Language barrier’ creates the very first real hurdle in communication, but what is our internal language?  There are French and Chinese; but there are also ‘languages’ of extraversion and introversion; the languages of a ‘doer’ and a ‘thinker’; a spontaneous person and a planner and so on. Here we talk about really well known but always underestimated differences in us  based on our perception, comprehension, learning style – which all ultimately also translate into communication and so relationships. This is a common knowledge; yet a common knowledge doesn’t automatically mean a habit; often not even an effort. 

This video is a fragment from our October 2022 Cafe Self Q&A call which focused on various relationships questions – from practicing a better relating with simple but often overlooked communication styles to the specifics of cultivating intentional relationships when we find expressing ourselves (and so connecting) difficult, often due to previous negative experiences. 

Here is a brief summary of 4 communication styles:

  • A ‘visual’ person will use visual words in their speech like: see, looks, appear, view, show me, dawn, reveal, imagine, illuminate, highlight, crystal clear 
  • An ‘auditory’ person will use auditory words like: can you hear, how does that sounds, listen, tune in, be all ears, that rings a bell, it resonates. 
  • A kinaesthetic person will use kinaesthetic words: feel, touch, grasp, get a hold of, slips through, catch on, tap into, concrete, solid 
  • An auditory-digital or digital person will use the words: sense, understand, think, learn, process, decide, consider, change, perceive, insensitive, conceive, contemplate, distinct, know. 

We often have a mixture of styles – usually one style is dominant and one secondary so we may look for the common denominator with people we talk to once we determined our own style 🙂 Also in cases of mixture of styles you can observe which one the person uses in either very stressful situations or when they are very relaxed and comfortable. 

I highlight the importance of touch for kinaesthetic communicators because this can potentially present a problem in non-romantic relating, but also it’s very important for kinaesthetic people to also touch things around them, feeling the texture, feeling the shape. Making things is also healing as it lets you connect with material. Comfortable (and natural) things including cloths and furniture are important and so on.

In ‘touch’ communication with grown up children I found that Metamorphic or Prenatal Lines on the head are easy to stroke lightly – and here is an adequate communication and healing in one!

Colourpuncture is great as apart from locating the point (with touch) before treating it, you also ask them to feel the relative sensitivity of points or zones which in turn helps them to feel their body more. Acupressure is a great help in these cases so do extra Acupressure on the Zones and points before Colorpuncture. 

I propose a little fun exercise to internalise this information – unless you are already a pro, in which case it’s unlikely you are reading this article 🙂

  • Ask a person close to you a question to which they can give an extensive answer and listen carefully for the verbs they naturally use
  • Once you decided which type of ‘language’ the person naturally speaks, develop the topic of conversation/express your opinion/give your ideas on a subject using their words or if this is not appropriate for time or other reasons, use the next opportunity to practice communicating to them in their language. Remember that the language can mean physical touch or discussing a spreadsheet document 🙂


This video is a fragment of our October 2022 Cafe Self Q&A, please watch this entire playlist (more videos coming soon) for more details.  Any questions, I’m here and happy to help, please reach out using the form below.

If you feel ready for some serious Soul food, come join us at the Cafe Self, where you come to feed your Soul 🙂



Communication Styles

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