Family Systems: Unresolved conflicts

Unresolved conflicts in the family…it’s hard to find a family not affected by it. There is a difference however between an ‘unresolved’ conflict and ‘unresolvable’ one.

The Unresolved conflict may be successfully resolved with active will and participation of conflicting parties with the view on achieving a common goal – the one which will be good for the family as a system. Very often however, this is not what conflicting parties have in mind…it’s very easy to focus on your own little hurts and pursue your immediate interests than review your rigid preconceptions and start seeing yourself as just one part of a wider system with a common constructive goal which will benefit every part of the system.

Over some conflicts we have our say (and so they can be eventually resolved): we can review our own patterns of emotions, thoughts and behavior; we can take time to listen carefully to the other party’s needs and practice respectful constructive communication to reach a win-win (with the equal participation of the other party).

Some conflicts – although potentially resolvable by nature, stay unresolved because one or both parties remain rigid in their views; have massive secondary gains (not necessarily conscious) from keeping the conflict stationary or don’t see themselves as a part of the family system with the common goal but rather as a separate branch of the family tree which attempts to just cut itself from the tree and live a fully separate existence…This is another ‘the Self and the Family’ situation.

And there is a type of family conflicts where we just find ourselves on a receiving end of the conflict but we have no means of resolving the conflict as the original conflict was within a wider family and we were not part of it (though we may easily find ourselves torn between two opinions, often with active participation of one or both parties wanting us on their side). Here we discuss a situation which came up as a byproduct of dream analysis on one of our Dream Yourself Together Dreamwork Challenges. Interestingly, the underlying conflict wasn’t even a central theme of a dream – it was rather a silent background of it and it took us some time to figure out that the conflict was important for the dreamer.

This is an example of an ‘unresolvable’ conflict from a position of the person who is on a receiving end of it – a part of a broken family. This is also a perfect example of how journaling can take our other inner work – such as dreamwork – further; both to a better light of conscious awareness and potentially to some kind of a resolution which is possible in such family system. Here we really took something from a deep unconsciousness layer (as it is always reflected in our dreams and dreamwork) and brought it to the very surface, a better clarity and then to available action with journaling.

The situation described in the video will most likely stay unresolved because of rigid opinions of both parties; the dreamer’s part is to create a potential resolution in some time and space, some ‘opening’ from their part for the wider family. While this may not create an actual resolution of the conflict (by the look of things the opposing parties will never likely come together as two members of the family in this lifetime), the dreamer – who is not an active part of the conflict and not taking sides and has a wider family interests in mind, can create a potential of a resolution with journaling: creating both a written record of the conflict (physical action which will help the dreamer and may have value for future generation of the family as silent, forgotten, vague conflicts hold more damaging power than clear ones) and write down their intentions (energy-information counterpart) expressing their personal wishes and longings.

Our assumption here is that further generations will not carry the original conflict and having received all the (clearly written) information about the conflict – and not being burdened by negative emotions, ego clashes, other people interests/rigid opinions and such – may find a creative resolution or at the very least a better understanding of the conflict and this way heal the family divide from their fresh and informed perspective. The dreamer will find some peace in their Soul having done the only action possible from their perspective – making a clear and dispassionate record of the situation, with a constructive and benevolent wish into the family future.

Even if we don’t express our wish – sometimes we are not even sure what to wish for in more complex family conflicts and entanglements – a clear written record has a value on it own. But my guess is…a stream of conscious journalling with this written record as a prompt (‘this is how this situation is making me feel’ for example) will do it magic, healing at the very least a family-belonged part of us, in our very present.

“There will be a space for us….” – a beautiful famous song says it best of all I think.

Any questions – please get in touch using the form below.

If you would like to learn multiple creative – and simple – journaling techniques for your daily self-care, making sense of your life experience or exploring deeper layers of your inner world, join us for Journaling Challenge ‘Letters to the Soul’ – and if you would like to explore your dreams with creative dreamwork, join us for the next ‘Dream Yourself Together’ Dreamwork challenge: both experiential journeys will support you in learning simple and effective self-care tools for your inner work which you can use with ease and joy for years to come .

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